Sobě / Falling on the doorstep

2. října 2015 v 18:53 | vOrel |  Dopisy ztracené na moři
If you came here about two hours ago, you would have found me completely broken. But now… It´s amazing how quickly can people recover themselves. How we can let things go, when our little brains concentrate on something else for a while. That don´t mean we have solved the problem we have. But we are able to forget it and continue.

Two hours ago, I was standing on the edge. Alone, with all the wounds on my heart that just opened again after such a long time. It was that kind of a moment when you realize how bad some things are in your life. How happy you look and how sad you´re inside constantly. Two hours ago I was asking myself quietly in tears: "Am I able to kill myself?" Seriously, there were just horrible feelings who put their arms around me. So could I really do it? Could I give up on this life, because of all that pain. Could I? Because I´m afraid of dying. I have always been. But in that moment that passed I have a feeling I may could. Suddenly I wasn´t afraid of death anymore.

So how did it happen? How can some people go and just kill themselves? Just as easy as that.

If something went wrong and you can´t let it go, you can´t recover yourself, then you can turn and take the wrong way just as easily as I was able to make myself feel quite fine till now. But I was crying and all my heart and soul were completely shaken just two hours ago. So what if those two hours were the difference between death and being alive?
It´s a weird question. But it takes nothing but dinner and one episode of my favourite series to get from zero back on the road. So is it really so hard to take your life away? Is it so hard as I used to think, when it´s so easy to continue?

When I´m ok, like right now, and I´m thinking about a suecide, I don´t think I will be ever able to do it even though two hours ago I maybe was. There´s too much to do, too much to see - too much experiences you would love to go through in your life. Things that are waiting for you, why toss it all away? Two hours ago I didn´t think about it. I didn´t need those things. All I can see were my tears and my sadness taking shape in front of me. There were nothing but a big black hole that I was falling into.

And now? I wasn´t able to fully understand why people give up their life. But it took just a bit blindness caused by my feelings and I was lost. Two hours. Now I know how it comes, that somebody is just gone without saying goodbye. It just takes some effort, rest is in your head and it is nothing hard about it. But mainly now I know how to avoid it as well.

Gimme two hours.

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